Is Ignoring Tantrums the Right Move? Experts Weigh In

18 November 2025

Every parent has been there—the grocery store meltdown, the bedtime battle, the flat-out, red-faced, tear-filled tantrum over putting the blue plate in the dishwasher. Tantrums are a raw part of parenting, but the big debate is: Should we ignore them?

It’s a tough call. On one side, some experts say ignoring tantrums teaches kids that dramatic outbursts don’t get results. Others argue that ignoring sends the wrong message and can damage emotional development. So who's right? Let’s break it down and see what experts and real-life parents have to say.

What Exactly Is a Tantrum?

Before we dive into whether to ignore them or not, let’s clarify what a tantrum really is.

Tantrums are emotional explosions. They often happen when a young child feels overwhelmed, frustrated, tired, hungry, or simply can't get what they want. These episodes can include crying, screaming, stomping, hitting, throwing things—or all the above.

They mostly pop up in toddlers and preschoolers because, well, their emotional regulation skills aren’t fully developed. It’s like handing someone a car without brakes—things are bound to get messy.

Why Do Kids Throw Tantrums?

Children don’t throw tantrums because they’re bad or manipulative. (That myth needs to go!) Instead, tantrums are their way of expressing big feelings in a small body. When language fails or impulse control is nonexistent, a full-on meltdown is sometimes the only option.

Some common triggers:
- Being told “no”
- Transitioning from one activity to another
- Hunger or fatigue
- Seeking attention
- Feeling powerless or unheard

Understanding the 'why' makes it easier to figure out the 'how'—as in, how to respond.

The “Ignore It” Approach: What Does It Even Mean?

When parenting experts talk about ignoring tantrums, they’re not saying you should pretend your child doesn’t exist or walk away completely. Therapeutic ignoring, as it’s known, involves deliberately withholding attention from behavior you don’t want to reinforce.

So if your child is screaming on the floor because they wanted juice instead of milk, ignoring might mean staying calm, avoiding eye contact, and not reacting—no lectures, no reasoning, no bargaining. You're teaching them that tantrums don't get them what they want.

Sounds cold? Not so fast.

Why Some Experts Say Ignoring Works

The logic behind ignoring tantrums lies in a psychological principle known as reinforcement. Kids repeat behaviors that get a reaction. If throwing a fit leads to extra attention, more screen time, or getting their way just to keep the peace, they’re likely to do it again.

Experts like Dr. Alan Kazdin, a renowned child psychologist, support ignoring specific behaviors to reduce them. It’s not about neglecting your child—it’s about not fueling the fire.

Benefits of Ignoring Tantrums:

- Teaches emotional self-regulation
- Reduces attention-seeking behaviors
- Prevents power struggles
- Encourages communication over dramatics

But here’s the kicker: consistency is key. Ignoring a tantrum one day and giving in the next is like giving your child mixed signals—they won’t know what to expect.

When Ignoring Can Backfire

Now, let’s not sugar-coat it: ignoring isn’t a one-size-fits-all fix. Sometimes, it can do more harm than good—especially if the tantrum is rooted in deeper feelings of anxiety, fear, or sensory overload.

Child psychologist Dr. Laura Markham warns that ignoring can feel emotionally isolating for some children. If a child is overwhelmed and looking for comfort, being ignored may make them feel abandoned.

When NOT to Ignore a Tantrum:

- When your child is in danger of hurting themselves or others
- If the tantrum stems from genuine fear or sadness
- If your child is non-verbal or has developmental delays
- When the child needs help calming down

Tantrums often carry a message—even if it’s buried under shrieks and sobs. Ignoring the behavior shouldn’t mean ignoring the emotion behind it.

Are There Better Alternatives?

Ignoring works for some. For others, gentle guidance is more effective. Let’s look at some alternative ways to handle tantrums:

1. Validate Their Feelings

Instead of dismissing the outburst, acknowledge it. Say something like, “I see you’re really upset because you wanted more TV time.” This doesn’t mean giving in—it just means your child feels heard.

2. Stay Calm (Even If You Feel Like Screaming)

Kids model what they see. If you stay calm, you teach them how to handle big emotions. Breathe. Count to 10. Whatever works for you.

3. Offer Choices

Giving your child a sense of control can defuse potential tantrums. “Do you want to brush your teeth before or after your bath?” feels empowering to a little one.

4. Use “Time-Ins” Instead of “Time-Outs”

Sometimes, what a child needs isn’t isolation—it’s connection. A time-in involves sitting with your child as they calm down, helping them regulate their emotions.

5. Teach Emotional Vocabulary

The more words your child has to express feelings, the fewer tantrums you’ll see over time. Use books, games, and daily conversations to build that vocabulary.

What Real Parents Say

Let’s be honest: parenting isn’t a science experiment. It's messy, unpredictable, and deeply personal. Here’s what some real parents have to say:

> “Ignoring tantrums only worked for my oldest. My youngest would just spiral harder if I didn’t step in to help him calm down.” – Jenna, mom of three.

> “Consistency made all the difference. Once my daughter realized the tantrum didn’t get her what she wanted, they happened less and less.” – Mike, dad of two.

> “I try to pick my battles. Sometimes I ignore a tantrum; other times I offer a hug. Depends on the situation.” – Laura, single mom.

Bottom line: know your kid. What works for one child might crash and burn with another.

The Middle Ground: Connected, Consistent, Calm

Ignoring tantrums doesn't mean ignoring your child. It’s about choosing not to reward behavior you don’t want while staying emotionally available. Think of it as putting up an emotional umbrella during the storm—not running out of the building.

The goal isn’t to stop all tantrums overnight. It’s to help your child:
- Recognize and name their emotions
- Learn better outlets for those feelings
- Trust that you’re there for support, not surrender

That balance between empathy and structure? That’s where the magic happens.

What the Experts Agree On

Despite different opinions, most parenting experts agree on a few golden rules:

- Don’t punish emotions—help navigate them.
- Avoid reacting emotionally to tantrums.
- Be consistent, whatever approach you choose.
- Focus on prevention (rest, nutrition, routine).
- After the storm, reconnect with love and empathy.

At the end of the day, tantrums are a phase. A loud, exhausting, inconvenient phase. But they’re also a learning opportunity—for both of you.

Final Thoughts: Should You Ignore a Tantrum?

So, is ignoring tantrums the right move?

Sometimes, yes. Sometimes, no. It depends on your child, the context, and your parenting style.

Ignoring might reduce attention-seeking outbursts if done calmly and consistently. But it should never replace emotional connection. Kids need to feel safe, understood, and seen—even when they’re a hot mess in aisle seven.

Tantrums aren’t about control—they’re about development. And like any part of growth, they need patience, guidance, and a whole lotta grace.

So the next time your little one throws a fit over the wrong color cup, take a deep breath, assess the situation, and remember: you're not alone. You’ve got this.